Hi All,
sharing the details of another presentation I have attended earlier this month. Below are the details of the session:
Topic – The ways in which parents interact with their children and its impact
Date – 2nd July 2021 7 pm to 8 pm IST
Mode of Presentation – Online Webinar
Speaker – Ms. Sri Gowri Rajesh , Lecturer, Department of Clinical Psychology, NIEPMD. She is specialized in Autism Spectrum Disorder and head of Behavior Management.
This session was organized by NIEPMD. C.K.Dhanapandian also co-presented few pointers
Below are the points shared in the presentation:
In this session we are going to speak about the ways in which parents are handling the children and how it impacts the child. Most of us provide the complaints from a parent’s perspective:
- My child is not listening
- My child cannot understand, etc..
But we often forget/ignore the way in which we are approaching or interacting with the child. How you approach or speak to a child is very important. Some child will respond to parents stare or look, some child will never respond even if you force them to do so. There exists a difference in the way every parent approach towards their children. These approaches provide a positive or negative change in the child.
As a parent we should know how to interact with a child. The points which is shared today is not new or not unknown, these are simple instructions, but it has a direct impact towards the behavior of the children. Also, to create a bonding between parent and the child, these information would be helpful. The information that is shared today are taken based on multiple researches and from the speakers personal experience.
PRIDE SKILLS (Praise – Reflect – Imitate – Describe – Enthusiastic)
PRAISE
You have to keep encouraging your child. You have to praise your child even on the simplest task or activity they have done. You need to include praise whenever you communicate with the child. By doing this, you are expressing to the child, what you like. It will also increase the confidence of the child.
REFLECT
When the child speaks to you or expresses himself in an incorrect manner, you correct him. This is termed as Reflecting towards appropriate talk.
For Example,
When the child says “The doggy has a black nose”, as a parent you correct it as “The dog’s nose is black”.
IMITATE
You imitate the appropriate play done by the child. This shows to the child that you are involved in to him/her. Also through imitation, you teach your child how to play. You can use turn taking through imitation as well.
DESCRIBE
Describe the appropriate behavior. Describe the actions what the child is doing. Like when the child is playing with the lego pieces, you say “you are playing with the lego, you are taking red color pieces, you are now putting the pieces in to the big box” etc.. By describing, you are teaching concepts indirectly to the child. Child will learn from you, which will help the child to communicate back.
For Example,
You are putting together puzzle, Put the toy inside the truck.
ENTHUSIASTIC
When you are responding to your child simply with “ok” or “good” you cannot connect to the child, unless you make yourself sound enthusiastic. Child will feel that he is appreciated. When you teach anything enthusiastically child will be interested to listen and learn from it quickly.
For Example,
Parent says “ You are really being gentle and enjoying the time you are spending with the toys”.
The pride skills are to be practiced for a minimum of five minutes every day with the child to see an improvement.
THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT SAY/DO
AVOID TOO MANY COMMANDS
In order to improve your interaction with the child, avoid giving too much commands to the child. By providing too many commands you are denying the opportunity of the child to interact and his freedom to express himself. We have to always take a positive approach towards the child, commands prevent the child from initiating or taking a lead. We are not suggesting not to give any commands, we are only asking you to limit the frequency of them.
AVOID LOTS OF QUESTIONING
Avoid Questioning the child all the time. What is this ? What is that? What did you do? What did you ate? etc. Unintentionally we do many such things. Reducing the number of questions you ask the child. When you keep questioning the child, you are the one always leading the conversation. You sound authoritative to the child. Also a child will not be able to answer to all your questions, which will cause frustration in the child.
AVOID CRITICISM
Criticism will bring down the self confidence of the child. Criticism is not a positive way of interaction. Avoiding criticism will help our interaction with the child more smoother and in a positive manner.
For Example, do not say the following:
- That wasn’t nice
- I don’t like it when you make that face.
- Do not play like that
- That animal doesn’t go there
IGNORE NEGATIVE BEHAVIOR
You pay attention only to good behavior and ignore negative/inappropriate behavior unless it is dangerous or destructive. Be consistent to see the improvement in your child.
For Example,
- Child is pulling the parent and picks up the toy.
- Parent ignores pulling and praises the child for picking up the toys.
STOP THE PLAY TIME
When the child is displaying aggressive or violent behavior you stop the play time which he enjoys the most. This will teach the child that what he did is wrong and it should not be done.
For Example,
When the child hits the parent, parent stops the playing time because of the child’s behavior.
EIGHT RULES FOR EFFECTIVE COMMANDS
Rule no 1 – Command should be DIRECT
Every command you give to the child should be direct and not Indirect. Only when the command is direct, the child will not have any confusion.
For Example,
- Instead of “Will you hand me the block” use “Please hand me the block”
- Instead of “Let’s put train in the box” use “Put the train in the box”
Rule no 2 – Commands should be POSITIVELY stated
Commands should sound positive to the child. It should not have any criticism or other negative aspects. For instance, when the child is seated we will not notice him, when he begins stand up or move away we will notice it immediately and probe him. We are not appreciating or noticing when the child was seated which is a positive aspect shown by the child, we notice only when the child is on the move i.e. we are focusing always on the negative aspect.
For Example,
Instead of “Don’t run around the room” use “Come and sit beside me”
Rule no 3 – Commands should be GIVEN ONE AT A TIME
Give only one command at a time, children gets confused when you ask them to perform multiple commands.
For Example,
Instead of “Put your shoes in the closet, take a bath and brush your teeth” start with “Put your shoes in the closet”
Rule no 4 – Commands should be SPECIFIC rather than Vague
Commands should be specific to the task and it should be in an understanding manner. The command should clearly tell the child about it’s starting point and when it ends.
For Example,
Instead of “Clean up your room” use “Put these lego pieces in the box”
Rule no 5 – Commands should be AGE-APPROPRIATE
At times, due to age inappropriate commands the child will be unable to follow it. You have to simplify the commands according to the child’s age.
For Example,
Instead of “Draw a hexagon” start with “Draw a square”
Rule no 6 – Commands should be given POLITELY AND RESPECTFULLY
Commands should be given in a calm, polite and respectful manner. Most of the time we parents shout at the child when the child does not listen to us once. You are giving an impression to the child that only when you shout the child has to do the task and not otherwise.
For Example,
Instead of loudly saying “Hand me that block” try “Please hand me the block”
Rule no 7 – Commands should be EXPLAINED before they are given or after a command.
It is always good if you explain the child in advance about the task you are going to command. If not possible before, after the child completes the task, you should take your time to explain what he did.
For example,
Parent: Go Wash your hand
Child: why?
Parent: Makes the child to wash his hand first and then explain “Now your hands look so clean!. It is so good to be all clean, when you go to school.”
Rule no 8 – Commands should be used only when NECESSARY
Do not give too many or unnecessary commands. By giving too many commands, child does not understand what is he doing, instead blindly follows the command. Give commands only when it is required based on the circumstances.
For Example,
when your child is running around, you should command him to sit on a chair, instead of asking him to bring an object to you from a place.
Other points
- When the child is doing what is expected of him, notice it and keep praising the child. Do not ignore such things.
- When the child interacts with you, whether you understand what the child is saying to you or not, you acknowledge the effort the child has taken to communicate with you, so listen to it and reiterate in an understandable manner and check with him.
- Instead of correcting the child, think how to make it productive for the child.
Q & A
Q – My son is 6 yrs old, earlier he used to pinch, but now he pushes me during his mood swings. When he does this unexpectedly, I get angry and shout at him. I try to move away from the place when he does this, but he follows me and does it again. I do not know how I should behave when he does this?
A – At times, even our expressions will become an attention to the child which acts as a reinforcement for the child to perform the behavior again.
Try to praise and appreciate the good behaviors he does throughout the day, it he continues to do this, teach him what is the appropriate behavior. Lastly use a firm voice and tell him it is inappropriate.
If this is due to attention seeking, give him the attention before he pushes you, do not wait till he pushes you.
Q – My kid is in UKG, who does not sit in online class?
A – This is a common difficulty faced by many parents, for that age it is difficult to sit in one place and interact. They are at the exploration stage.
Check with the teacher and give materials to the child that will make him sit during the online class. Praise the child when he complies with it. Parents has to sit with the child. This is not an issue at the UKG level.
Q – My child gets angry a lot recently and he breaks things whenever he is angry.
A – Anger can be due to many reasons, we have to find out the reason for which he is angry first and work towards that. Ensure that you do not get angry when he is displaying his anger. You should not show that you are scared and panicking, be calm during such events. Instead of noticing it too much, if you leave him alone i.e. you don’t stay there when such incident happens, it can reduce recurrence of such issues.
Q – My child diagnosed with ASD is in Grade 1, attending online class. He is not interacting with the teacher but interacting with me. How should i socialize him. He has escapism and adamancy as well.
A – Online class is a complex aspect for every child, and it is even more complex for a child with ASD. Few children always have a tendency to speak to people who they can see in person. They do not get the same feel through the online mode, so the connection is lost. Do not expect the child to be interacting all the time. Take up few situations like responding to good morning, saying Yes or No to questions, etc. In Online mode, we cannot train the child on socialization.
In case of escapism during homework, check the homework is according to child’s age level, if it is difficult the child will escape to avoid the failure. Some show escapism when it comes to writing, as it involves co-ordination of entire body. We need to find out what is the cause of his escapism.
Fix a routine to the child and initially keep writing time less, break the task in to pieces.
Q – During any work/activity, whenever the parent responds YES the child likes, but when we say NO, he does not like it, he shouts, pulls our dress etc.
for an hour and gets back to his normal state after. What can be done in such cases?
A – The answer is in your question, the issue happens when he says NO. Instead of using NO, frame your sentence in a positive manner. This issue is faced by many parents. See how you react during such time, as your response will act as an reinforcement for the child to continue their behavior for a longer duration.
Q – My son is 8 yrs old, when we are doing activities, if he likes the particular activity even after finishing the activity, he does not allow me to leave the place. He wants me to sit with him, if I try to leave the place, he keeps shouting and does not listen. Similarly, when some one is eating a particular food item, he sees that and imagines that he is also be given the same food, and shouts that he does not need it. How do I control this?
A – Please notice how long he is doing his favorite activity. Transition is a challenge to him. If he takes too much time, then we have to intervene. If the time taken is lesser, we can ignore it. When you shout a command, no child will follow it. You should always make a list of what your child likes and dislikes are.
Q – My child has anger issues, we know the reasons and circumstances which causes this anger. But due to family situation, where the elder members in the family are not changing their approach when interacting with the child, and we are unable to progress. What can be done?
A – In such cases, child can only learn from you. We can provide counseling to the elder members to get their cooperation. After 15 yrs of age, if you see excess anger, mumbling words, sleep issues, usage of inappropriate words, running away from house, eating lesser food or eating more food, etc. indicates that it could be a psychiatric issue as well. You may have to consult with a psychiatrist as well.
Q – My child is 9 yrs old, repeatedly speak the same word in a loud manner. If he observes any new word in a day, he speaks the same word repeatedly for the whole day. He is verbal and having good memory power, on what areas we can focus for the child to have a better future?
A – The child likes the word, but he does not have the vocabulary or communication skills to use that word, so he does the repetition of the same word again. You try to add few words to that, so that it sounds appropriate. If it is possible to ignore, you can do that. Also check if you can do some activities around it … If the child is saying the word Ball throughout the day, you can do activities explaining him ball is red in color, ball is round in shape, balls is heavy, etc… It is the excitement which is causing the loudness in tone, do listen the occasions when he does it, like when he is alone or when others are present around him etc…You can also avail speech therapy services for few more sessions to improve this communication skills.
உங்கள் குழந்தைகள் தங்களை முழுமையாக ஈடுபடுத்தக்கூடிய அளவுக்கு மாற்றி விட்டீர்கள் என்றால் வெற்றி நிச்சயமே
My personal feedback:
The speaker Ms. Sri Gowri Rajesh is not from Tamilnadu, hence she is not fluent in Tamil, however the amount of effort she took to deliver the session in Tamil, so that the message reaches all the participants has to be applauded.
She took time in explaining the points; she did not rush through any areas. Dhanapandian pitched in wherever it is required.
Regards,
Saranya and karthik
Karthiksaranyaparents@gmail.com
Autism Spectrum Disorder - Personal Experiences (Chennai Family) 