Can this happen ?

Greetings Everyone,

Had to post something on the ” World Autism Awareness Day “, was planning to write something on socialization among the kids with special needs, but was in a dilemma whether it is really required or not. In todays context, the amount of time which we as an adult spend for socialization is extremely less, going forward this will become even lesser. On the contrary, the amount of time people spending on Social media is on the rise, people are extremely socializing over internet to the extent it has become an addiction. So in a way, we are socializing as per the changing times. So it was clear that we needed this skill, but what made me absolutely sure that not having this skill is going to cause chaos in ones life came after watching few videos of Jordon Peterson. Below is the summary of what he spoke:

You have to socialize your children by age 4, else it is too late. Children (Not all of them) who are 2 years of age are extremely aggressive, especially male children in particular. When they get socialized with a peer group of their age for the next two years, the extremely aggressive children will become more civilized, more tolerable and more in line with other 4 year old children.
He also speaks about the importance of rough and tumble play as an essential part of socialization which is a trial and error way to teach the kid when it becomes too far .. i.e. (when it hurts, painful) OR what is acceptable (fun). It regulates the aggressive impulses.
By age 4, when they get socialized they learn how to regulate their aggression, learn how to engage in fictional play structure with other kids, learn to co-operate and compete.
Your job as a parent is to make your child socially desirable by age 4. When you go out with your child you want the child to interact with other children and other adults, so that they are welcoming and others want to play with him or her, so the child get treated happily. If you are afraid or unaware of how to discipline a child, when you take your child outside, you will experience nothing but rejection from other children, false smiles from other parents and adults, from thereon every phase that child goes through will be hostile, which affects the mental well being of the child. Also medicating an hyperactive child will suppress their exploratory systems and play function, which in turn will only make them Fat and Stupid.
A 4 year old will not play with another 4 year old who is mentally of age 2. So when the kids start out behind, the peers leave them behind, they are alienated and stay outside the peer group for rest of the life. Those were the ones who grow up to be anti social.
Because they are already aggressive and it doesn’t dip down from there.
Children used to have multiple siblings, who always toughen you up due to competition at home. This is not happening now as the couples are either getting married or becoming parents at a very older age, where they are now very resource rich, so they are kind of developing schedules for the death of their children by providing them with all the opportunities that they see around will be useful. If it is a family with single child, you will use all your resources to provide him with everything , the danger is that you overprotect them with too much. We should let the child to make their own mistakes, learn from it and find their own way and we are ignorant about that.
Overprotected, overscheduled children are underchallenged in many aspects so they are not very resilient. We extend this protection for longer than it is expected. If you have resources, you wanted to make the child’s life easier by providing everything. The question is Do you want to make the life of someone you love easier ?

From the above what I infer is that, we are inadvertently restraining our kids from experiencing things which we experienced during the childhood. As an adult, we love/prefer a bigger house and separate rooms for privacy, look for house in the outskirts to stay away from chaos, less noise pollution, travel to crowded places on limited occasions, buy provisions and vegetables for a week and stock things up, travel in a car all the time, have a maid/gardener/security, limited exposure to sun, etc.
But the life style which we find it comforting is not the ideal one for the child, sleeping in separate rooms has less bonding, Houses in the city gives the child of exposure (crowds, rituals, protests, parades, etc..), visiting crowded places often brings the social awareness, buying vegetables fresh is good for health and also increased exposure to outside world on a regular basis which develops a routine, travelling in public commutation, walking etc.., will allow the child to observe more, scope of interaction, etc.. than travelling in car, not having a maid allows the child to be aware of all the chores required to be done at home and learn from it.
Children needs to experience the chaos much earlier in their life for better exposure from sensory, social and emotional perspective. We cannot safeguard them forever, so they need to learn how to take care of themselves. This can be achieved only by training them through such situations, so they are familiar with it.

From research/science perspective, the brain neurons will establish a better connection to each other, if they are provided with different exposures. That too at an early age say till 7 years of age. Post 7 years the ability of the neurons to form connections between each other is comparatively lower.

Now to bring socialization, we needed our kids to spend more time outside the home. Most children are highly addicted to the home setting, they do not like to be disturbed by going out, lockdown did its share of damage to it. The more we do it, the less of a problem it will be. Exposure to outside world is the first step for socialization, as they see what others are doing at various places in different situations and learn from it. After which when the similar situation arises, they will try to express what they have observed earlier.

The most obvious choices are Malls, Play Areas, Play Grounds, Walk in the Park, Beaches, Religious places etc. These are bare minimum requirement for the child, which should have been done already. In addition to it, our children should be able to attend / participate in events, workshops, competitions, carnivals, sports, talent shows where they will learn to express themselves by observing others and also being part of it. The number of events that are organized for special needs community are on the extremely lower end, moreover it is some times organized by or for closely held network where public at large were unable to be participate. At times the schedule of the child is so jam packed, parents cannot reschedule it to accommodate participation in such events.

The question now is why do we need to wait for somebody else to organize an event which our children may be fond of ??? Why cannot we host events in our circle for our children which can benefit each other in many aspects ?

Who can make it happen ?

Parents of special needs children of a particular locality say Velachery, T Nagar, Thiruvanmiyur, etc.. form a group. There are already WhatsApp groups in place for locality wise. In each such group, parents who are interested to make a play date with other children post the idea of an event which is going to be conducted at the house or a public place etc.. and look for like minded parents. It need not be in a large scale, initially 2-3 kids joining together in a same place for an hour is a massive task.

How it can happen ?

Plan for simple events which are not expensive , which does not require larger floor space, which does not require lot of travel, which are less risky, which are mostly liked by children or needed for children etc. So that children and parents are interested in this together. Select a time or place which is most convenient to all parents. There can be certificates, medals, trophies, reinforcements like sweets, snacks, juices, etc. can be offered, if parents can afford it.

Why it is not happening already ?

Covid lockdown has caused a mindset where parents have to think twice before participating in a social event. Also i personally feel (which may be totally wrong) , there are different subsets of parents who form groups, like how it used to be in college or school, where one group does not interact with other. There is a sense of isolation on various aspects.
Like parents who does not believe in ABA does not interact with parents who are availing ABA services, parents who are not considering bio medical interventions does not interact with parents who are doing such interventions, parents having children with mild to moderate diagnosis does not interact with children on the high severity end, Parents with children who had minimal or no improvement does not interest with parents whose children has shown considerable improvement, and many more such permutations and combinations etc…..
This in a way breaks the unity among the special needs community, as the common goal is to make the child independent. Every parent is on a mission to try whatever it takes to make that happen. The journey could become less complicated, if they joined hands whenever possible. I don’t see any outside force that would help us during this journey.

What can happen ?

There are so many types of events that can be organized, below is the list which i thought of:

1) Drawing – Place a picture on the wall, ask the children to draw by looking at it.
2) Coloring – Provide printouts of drawings and make them color it using pencils, crayons, water colors, sketch pens etc.
3) Finger painting – Make drawings with paints using fingers instead of brushes.
4) Slime – Each child brings a slime color, plays with it by putting it in a container or taking it out of container, or pick beads or tiny toys that are hidden from the slime.
5) Play Doh – Use Play doh to make lot of clay models as per pictures decided earlier or let them use imagination
6) Rangoli – Make moms join with the children to make this happen.
7) Pot luck – Make moms join with the children to make this happen.
8) Mehendi – Let children make mehendi designs on the mothers hand or any ones hand who ever is willing
9) Dancing – Dancing to a particular song or rhymes as per the expressions and steps
10) Singing – Singing a particular rhymes, or lines from certain song
11) PE Games – There are millions of activities you can do with balloons, paper cups, pom poms, cone markers, color papers, sticky tapes, balls, few bins etc ..
12) Play Sports – Play sports such as Cricket, Football, Volley ball, Hand ball in beach or any open locations.
13) Sand Castle – If you have enough sand at home , let the children make best sand castle possible
14) Fireless cooking – Learn or teach them to make food items that does not involve fire.
15) Barbecue Day – Experience the child to have make and taste foods made from barbecue.
16) Swimming / Water play/Splash Pool – If you have a place which has a pool or river or lake, you can try water games, swimming related activities.
17) Science experiments – There are so much that can be done with house hold items, which can be tried.
18) Craft – It can be any, with use of color papers, carboards, glue and scissors.
19) Story telling / role playing / acting / theatre / Skits – Scope where they could express something.
20) Fancy Dress – Can be creative and unique to that child
21) Carnival Games – Spoon lemon race, sack race, walk on two bricks, balloon shooting, throwing at the targets etc…
22) Car Trip – A simple 2-3 hours of journey in the city inside the car, without getting down anywhere with 3 -4 kids together.
23) Visiting places together – Going to theatres, malls, beaches, together with other kids
24) Resorts – For parents who can afford it, have a weekend in the resort outside city and make use of the games which they offer.
25) Cycling / Walking / Running / Climbing / Trekking – Could be a simple physical activity
26) Medical camps such as Dental checkups, Eye checkups
27) Fashion Show – walking in style with different outfits
28) Adventures games – Plan for adventure games, scavenger hunt, treasure hunt etc.
29) Martial Art – Karate, take wan do, silambam, etc…
30) Yoga – Learn asanas, Zumba workouts, etc..
31) Clay and pottery
32) Quiz on favorite cartoons, etc..
33) Brain Gym activities
34) Handling money like going to a local shop, buying milk packet, etc..
35) Movie Time
36) Magic
37) Origami
38) Book Reading and story telling
39) Mask Making
40) STEM activities
41) Paper Quilling, Silk thread bangles, jewelry making
42) Baking
43) Warli Art , Mandala Art and coloring.
44) Gardening, planting, sowing seeds, watering the plants, plucking, counting, coloring leaves etc..
45) Play Xbox, Play station, or other two player games together…
46) Rock / Stone art, coconut shell Craft, egg shell art, sea shell art, bottle cap art, etc..
47) Cricket or Football match with fathers of the children.

Every activity i mentioned above has a sensory element to it, the event could act as a sensory workshop for the kids and a relief to parents. There should be less emphasis on the perfection and more focus on the time that is being spent with the other children.

Was listening to an training session organized by NIEPMD, where the psychologist mentioned that most parents post diagnosis have forgot what they use to do for themselves on the personal front, they have been running behind therapy centers, assessments, schools, physical exercises, swimming classes, activities at home, making the kid sleep, etc.. They do not have the ME time. Some have sacrificed a job, dream of higher education, participate in community service, visit temples, going to movie theatres, an abroad trip, family vacation, etc… To such parents who wanted to have a relaxed time, NIEPMD has organized an outing in Dakshin Chitra which is in the Outskirts on the city. We can do something of that nature in the closed groups which we are part of, few parents together can visit a cinema or a religious place or a short trip, etc. for the wellbeing of the parents.
A similar initiative was also taken by Kalaivani who is Founder of Aran foundation, to reduce the stress of the parents.

I am sure this thought is not something new, every one must have had it, i really wanted to know has some of the parents really tried this, if so kindly let me know if it has been a positive or negative experiences. If there are parents who has never really tried or been part of such events, can you tell us what is holding you back from being part of it ?

The same is beautifully articulated by Writer S Balabharathi in the below youtube video as well:

Regards,
Saranya and Karthikeyan
karthiksaranyaparents@gmail.com